Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio- diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, Ted Nugent fans and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep Dixie,The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.
DelMarVa's Premier Source for News, Opinion, Analysis, and Human Interest Contact Publisher Joe Albero at alberobutzo@wmconnect.com or 410-430-5349
22 comments:
Spoken like a true selfish and arrogant American.
9:29 Bite me. I'm tired of pulling the weight of the fat and lazy not to mention the illegals.
9:29, what you just submitted was spoken like a true socialist, anti-American. They can keep you too.
I hope you find SUV big enough to carry Rush and Beck.
I hope that you find enough oxycontin to feed Rush.
I hope that you find enough vodka to feed Beck.
I think we'll also take the universities, Mr. Wall's law school excluded, since we're the ones that actually go to them instead of protesting and screaming for something that has not been taken away from us.
If you think that the healthcare is luxury, you can take that healthcare. I will stick with new initiative where health care is a basic human right.
If you take the military, I hope you realize that majority of its members disagree with your backwards ideology.
I applaud your desire to take the hot Alaskan hockey mom, because that all she is, just a hot hockey mom.
We will keep the Harvard educated president.
You can keep the right to hammer places that did nothing to you, but that just might undermine your military's loyalty.
We will keep and help the homeless and less fortunate. We would never ask you to take care of them because it's just not Christian.
Dear Red States...
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.
Don't forget your Kool-Aid Alex.
Thanks for posting my comment Joe.
I did not expect that.
Well I guess the lefties will also have to take 9:29 and Alex. Maybe someone will pick them up in their subaru on their way out. They really don't get it, do they? Bye, bye now.
John J Wall is an ugly American. This is what is wrong with the world. Only looking out for themselves and those like them. These kind of people are so blinded by material lust they can't see what is wrong with their way of thinking. I'll continue to pray that someday the armour will fall away from your heart. You can call me all the names you want.
very nice 10:07
I find it funny that he mentioned Michael Moore. This BS sounds like his tactics. I guess the Liberal States of America will be well endowed with originality and creativity while the conservatives remain loyal sheep and do what they're told and believe what they're told.
On a serious note... it hurts to know the citizens of this country not only support the division, but they actively make is stronger. I've said it before... stuff like this (on both sides) is what is going to destroy this country. It seems that too many just don't understand that we have to work together hand in hand. Republican next to Democrat, liberal next to conservative. If the other side is wrong, show them how they are wrong and what they can do to fix it instead of just bashing them. Learn and frequently use a single word: COMPRIMISE
Bite me Alex...I am an Ivy league educated (University of Pennsylvania) who has a doctorate degree and am a conservative republican. You're an arrogant ass who has a self inflated image of yourself and your fellow liberal socialist.
10:07 what have you been smoking, drinking, or shooting up??
Has 'the change' really worked for you?? Your Harvard educated president is tearing the Grand United States apart. He needs to return to his family (in Kenya) and work for their good and take Reid, Pelosi and all his 'czars' with him!!!
Doc, if you were "Ivy League Educated" you would be able to write proper sentences.
One thing he left out - we Democrats keep all the scientists, engineers, artists, literary figures and other people who use their minds freely. You folks have no liking or use for them anyhow. You get to keep all the professional wrestlers, televangelists and raptureites.
And the disposition of the military is a matter for negotiation. You folks have not proven yourself responsible to handle anything more lethal than squirrel rifles, but we're not dogmatic on the issue and might allow you to keep 30.06s to do deer hunting with.
But one hard and fast condition - we keep all the nukes. After all, we invented, designed and built them. When one of you has managed to master quantum mechanics, send him to our neutral negotiating site and we'll reopen the issue.
I will gladly take Beck and Rush. Im sure it will be easier to find an SUV they can ride in verse Rosie. You can also have all those liberals in Hollywood, with all their pill popping and DUIs. You can keep your universities. I will keep the farmers and the construction workers. Good luck trying to get a house, office, hospital or school built without them or food without the farmers. I will keep the old health care system since thats what the doctors want. Hope you can find enough doctors to go into your healthcare option.
We will gladly keep the hot soccer mom from Alaska since you seem to fear everything she stands for.
You claim is not christian? Well your own president said we are not a christian nation. The bible says to give with a loving heart it does NOT say the government takes it from you to give to someone else. Remember teach a man to fish... you should know the rest.
Wow, a person with Doctorate degree cannot come up with argument better than a personal attack. I believe they teach that the ad hominem argument technique is a fallacy in high school, let alone post-graduate studies.
Well, what do I know, I'm just a stupid leftie with socialistic agenda to take over everything, but as Anon 10:37 outlined there isn't really much left to take over.
Oh btw Alex. We get to keep JOE!! You can have the gelatinous blob. Enjoy your blogging.
Too bad this is just a fantasy. The left would never let it happen. Who would feed them? They would be bankrupt and begging for another handout within weeks and they know it.
To 11:44 -- COMPROMISE? Really?! As we speak, the Democrats have locked the Republicans out of any and all healthcare debate re: the bill pending in Congress. Is it any wonder that conservatives are angry, frustrated and ready to divide this once-great nation? There is NO compromise among our leaders any more! Those in power have decided to push their own agenda through and SCREW those Americans who disagree (and there are PLENTY who do!)! Compromise? Let's see the Democrats open some doors and invite the Republicans in for some meaningful dialog. Yeah -- like that will happen. Bring on the divorce!
12:32... from a conservative perspective...
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish, you ruin a perfectly good business opportunity
7:47 and he will hire 10 people to work for him and give them an honest wage instead of sitting and waiting for a handout.
12:11 - that was a quote directly from Karl Marx!!!
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