Eddie Cantor's Tips On The Stock Market

Note: The Crash of 1929 changed Cantor from being a millionaire to being over 200,000 dollars in debt.The story is that singer/vaudevillian Eddie Cantor was at a recording session on what turned out to be Black Tuesday, 29 October 1929. In between takes he was making sarcastic remarks that had the musicians and recording engineers cracking up. The head engineer suggested he record his remarks as a monologue. The mention of "margin" reflects the then popular practice of buying stock on credit advances by stock brokerage firms, which initially got only a small part of the price from certain (very many, as it were) of their customers, but then required the balance to be covered if the stock decreased in price. That practice has been curtailed to a large extent today, but now we have "credit swaps" and other sophisticated nonsense from the likes of Lehman Brothers and Goldman, Sacks that were insured by firms like AIG and bought by the big banks here and abroad that are now being saved with the $700 Billion bailout. Fortunately, most of the skyscrapers on "the Street" now have windows that don't open, but many of the apartments and condos in Manhattan have outdoor terraces that are suitable for jumping if the bailout bombs.

Well, folks,They got me in the marketjust as they got every-body else.In fact, they're not calling it the Stock Market any longer.It's called the Stuck Market.Everyone is stuck.Well, except my uncle.He got a good break.He died in September.Poor fellow had diabetes at 45.That's nothing.I had Chrysler at 110.

With the way the market has been running,many a man goes down to business in a Rolls-Royce,And comes home in a Mack Truck.

If the market takes another slump,I know thousands and thousands of married men Who will have to leave their sweetheartsAnd go back to their wives.

Everyone is singing The Margin Song from Wall Street:"Sucker Come Back To Me" [to tune of "Lover Come Back To Me]

Of course, if you can dig up the margin, you're all right.If not, Brother, you're gone.

Now-a-days, when a man walks into a hotel,And requests a room on the 19th floor,The clerk asks him:"For sleeping, or jumping?"

I met one chap in the lobby of a hotel the other dayAnd he looked quite sleepy.And so I asked him:I said "Why are your eyes half shut?"He answered, "Eddie, I had to give up my room at 4:30 this morning.I had it on margin."

You know, a lot of brokers down on Wall Street have devised a wonderful scheme.With each five shares of stockThey hand you a loaded gun.They don't tell you what to do with itBut you can use your own judgment.

Before I quit talking,I want to give you one sure tip on the Market.Go out tomorrow and buy National Casket.You can't go wrong.

And by the way, Have you noticed that the Market is reflected even in the way women are dressing?Have you noticed how their skirts have dropped?

Personally, I shouldn't worry about my stocks.I know my broker is going to carry me.Yes sir.He, and 3 other pall bearers.