EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
7 comments:
Wow, sounds like this could have come straight out of the Verizon employee handbook !!
Man, I clicked on comments to say it sounded like Verizon and it's already been said.
How "high" on life was the person who actually designed this parody :)...it is only slightly less hilarious than the actual local fenced in park with no entrance gate...classic!
LMAO @ 12:44
My thoughts exactly. I was wondering what to code the phones with if we walked out on strike...Can't have them coded wrong now, can we? That would be a violation of the Code!
I was going to say "Lowe's"
Sounds like the GOB to me, unless you are FOB!
Go ahead and go on strike. Put yourself out of a job like Dresser Wayne and Crown Cork and Seal did.
Verizon is now advertizing a 3 package deal for $99, however that doesn't include the extra for network channels and local channels.
Verizon is feeling the heat, long time employees with the most to lose will be the first to go.
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