Anger Management

ANGER MANAGEMENT

When you have that occasional super-bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered I forgot to make a phone call. I found the number & dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Joe, could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”

Suddenly a manic voice screamed, “Get the right f***ing number!!” and then the man slammed the phone in my ear. I couldn’t believe people could be so rude! When I reviewed the number I should have called, I noticed I had transposed the last two digits. Oops, my bad.

I called Robyn at the correct number & when I finished my conversation with her I hung up & called back the “wrong number” again.

When the guy answered, I screamed “You’re an asshole!!!” and quickly slammed the phone down. I wrote his number in my address book under the name “Asshole.” Then every couple of weeks, while paying bills or just simply having a bad day, I would get Asshole’s number out & give him a call and holler “You’re an asshole!!” when he answered & then slam the phone down.

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic “asshole” calling would have to end. So, I called his number and said “Hi, this is John Smith with the telephone company, I was wondering if you are familiar with our Caller ID program?” Asshole yelled “NO!!” and slammed the phone down. So, I called him right back & said “That’s because you’re an ASSHOLE!!” and hung up quickly.

One day while I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot, some guy in a black BMW whipped right in to the space I was waiting patiently for. I honked the horn & yelled that I’d been waiting to pull in there, but the idiot ignored me and proceeded into the store. That’s when I noticed the For Sale sign in the window of his BMW, so I wrote down the number wrote Asshole #2 above it.

A couple days later, right after calling the 1st asshole, (who was #1 on my speed dial by now), I thought I’d go ahead & call the BMW Asshole as well.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

He said, “Yes it is.”

I asked, “Can you tell me where I can come to see it?”

He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. It’s a yellow home and the BMW is parked out front.”

I asked, “What’s your name?”

He said, “My name’s Don Hansen.”

I asked, “When would be a good time to catch you Don?”

He said, “I’m home every evening after five.”

I said, “Hey listen, can I tell you something?”

He said, “Sure”

I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!!” and slammed the phone down.

I added his number at Speed Dial #2. Now when my day sucks, I have two assholes I can call.

Then, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. He said “Hello”

I said “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up).

He asked, “Are you still there?”

I said, “Yeah.”

He screamed, “Stop calling me!!!!!”

I said, “Make me.”

He asked, “Who the hell are you?”

I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”

He said, “Yeah, and where do you live?”

I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. A yellow house with a black BMW parked out front.”

He said, “Well Don, you better say your prayers, I’m on my way over there right now!”

I said, “Yeah, I’m sooooo… scared asshole,” and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, “Hello”

I said, “Well hello there, Asshole!”

He yelled, “I swear, if I every find out who the hell you are…”

I answered, “Well asshole, now’s your chance, I’m on my way right now.”

Then I hung up the phone & immediately called the Fairfax police department and told them I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd to kill my cheating lover. Then I called Channel 9 news about the gang war that was going down on Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.

I then quickly got in my car & headed to Fairfax. I arrived just in time to see Asshole #1 & Asshole #2 beating the shit out of each other (no pun intended) in front of six police cars and the Channel 9 News crew hovering in their helicopter.

Wow…Anger Management works very well! I feel awesome. Excuse me while I go to find my next two assholes.