The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not represent our advertisers

Friday, June 12, 2015

Getting Old

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend,
is the definition of 'OLD'!
~ ~ ~
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How  old was your husband?'
'96,'  she replied: 'Two years younger than me'
'So  you're 98,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, isn’t it?'
~ ~ ~
Reporters  interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And  what do you think is the best thing
about  being 104?' the reporter asked.
She  simply replied,
'No  peer pressure.'
~ ~ ~
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
~ ~ ~
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
~ ~ ~
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?'  the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then  I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
~ ~ ~
My  memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also,  my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~ ~ ~
Know  how to prevent sagging?
Just  eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~ ~ ~
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
~ ~ ~
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For  fast relief.'
~ ~ ~
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school  


Anonymous said...

DANG...all are spot on.

Anonymous said...

my kind of woman the glass is full not half empty look on the lighter side no pun intended.

bloggerhater1 said...

I don't ge thte "Hardly worth going home" one...

Anonymous said...

I have a friend who had every illness in the book.When he got Alzheimers & a 80% memory loss over half of his illnesses went with his memory.Even the conditions he had officially been diagnosed with simply went away,(or were never there to begin with)