“This 56-year-old guy named Brian Doyle, the deputy press secretary of the Homeland Security Department, was arrested on 23 counts of using his government computer and cell pone to try and have sex with a 14-year-old girl. He would send these girls porno on the Web cam. Nice to see our surveillance cameras being used non-stop in the war against terror.” –Jay Leno
“A second Homeland Security official has been arrested, a 49-year-old guy named Frank Figueroa, he was caught exposing and fondling himself to a teenage girl in a shopping mall in Florida. Do you realize? If Osama bin Laden was a 14-year old girl, we would have had him by now. … Who is going to start protecting us from the Department of Homeland Security? … It kind of makes you long for the good old wholesome days of the Clinton administration.” –Jay Leno
“The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six U.S. ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they’re going to run the Port of New York. What’s next, we’ll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing?” –Jay Leno
“President Bush now is apparently giving an Arab country control to American ports. Does that seem like a good idea? He’s going to give control of American ports to an Arab country. If he keeps this up, people are going to start questioning his judgment.” –David Letterman
“An Arab country in charge of ports. That’s like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That’s like Wayne Gretzky’s wife in charge of your bank account. It’s like Michael Jackson as your nanny.” –David Letterman
“Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this.” —David Letterman
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