Dear Cat,
I have some issues with you right now that I would like to hash out. And now is as good a time as any with you laying over my arms while I am trying to type on the computer. You don't even look comfortable and you can't breathe lying like that with your butt higher up than your head but your brain is the size of a walnut so I will forgive you.
First of all, the litterbox. Is it your goal to poop on the rim of the box? Because if it is, bravo! Mission accomplished, you can stop now. You have proved your point. It is not funny anymore, and I have run out of sticks in the yard to clean it off with. The box is big enough, and you are still small, so don't even go there.
Now... making pointless, incessant noises. If I take something away from you because I am tired of hearing it scoot across the floor for the last 2 hours, it does not mean to go find something else to mess with. I mean really where do you find this stuff? A wad of paper? A bottle cap? Is that really that fun to play with?
I put things on the coffee table because I want them there. I do not want you to knock EVERYTHING off of the coffee table in one of your mindless 'tearing ass through the house for no reason' adventures every single day. Once in a while, it is amusing. Every day, it's not that funny.
Your ass stinks. I mean REALLY stinks. Like the worst poop you've ever smelled. Why do you smell soooo horrible? I thought cats were clean! I have never experienced this smelly, stinky cat phenomena with any other cat on this Earth. Why, God, did you give me the most stinky cat in this solar system? And Cat, why do you insist on showing me your ass? I know it stinks, but what am I supposed to do about it? Bathe you??? LOL! Remember the last time that happened? I still have the scars... Also, when you sit on my arm, please have the kindness to put your tail over your butthole so it doesn't come into contact with my skin. I might catch something.
Lastly, I am allergic to you. I know this isn't your fault, but knowing this, why do you insist on rubbing the whole length of your body on my face? Okay... I just pulled a CATHAIR out of my eye. No wonder my eyes are itchy if you are purposefully depositing your dander into my eyes! What are you trying to prove here? That you know I'm stuck with you? While you're busy carrying things about the house in your mouth to deposit them into some area that I haven't discovered yet- would you mind bringing me a peice of sandpaper to me so that I can alleviate the itching you've caused me? Oh- while we're on this subject, I need my hair ties back- I know you have them. Thanks.
DelMarVa's Premier Source for News, Opinion, Analysis, and Human Interest Contact Publisher Joe Albero at alberobutzo@wmconnect.com or 410-430-5349
9 comments:
I have a cat that adopted me 3 years ago....He does all the same things. And both ends of him are having a contest to see which can smell worse!!!! I still love him though. His name is Diesel, because he STARTED out as a shop cat....But he made it into the big house (my house) in no time because of mommy's big heart...
P.s. the coolest little outside cat houses in the winter (put together quickly) is a cooler from Omaha Steaks with a hole cut in the front, and a baby blanket thrown inside. The inside of that box was warm while he was in there!!!!
LMFAO this is perhaps the funniest thing I've read in a long time!
To get the poop off the edge, get a cover for your box. He'll be forced to "aim" better. Boy kittens really smell horrid when they shit (no nicer way of putting it), but they do get better in time. As for your tables and the stuff on them, get a squirt bottle. Teach the cat that those surfaces are off limits. Unfortunately there's no better way than a squirt bottle. Noisy toys will be that cats pastime for the rest of its life. Sorry buddy. If you really want to avoid some frustration, get him neutered now!!!
As I read this,a reusable gift bag came flying across the room by my feet-with my cat Kipper in hot pursuit!The movng gift bag turned out to be my other cat,Kozmo,who had gotten the gift bag handles looped around his neck while he was snooping in the closet.Typical cat hijinks-I had to "rescue" Koz from the bag.
I guess I'll be the dummy and ask the unpopular question.
WHY would anyone want an animal that has no respect whatsoever for its owner or their belongings? What purpose does this animal serve other than shed, collect fleas, eat, shit and claw everything in site? These animals are not even on the food chain unless you live in or are from the far east.
Clean animals? This is the same animal that walks in its toilet then takes a stroll across your counters and tables, not to mention your beds.
This might be the funniest thing I've ever read on Salisbury News.
That is absolutly hysterical. I loved it. Needed a good laugh today, can you do one of these everyday?
Thanks Joe! I needed that today. Sounds a lot like the psycho creature that I have at home. In spite of it all, I'd take a cat over a dog any day !!
By the way, here are two good websites that can help with the cat bath:
http://www.jtmweb.com/jake/bathecat.html
http://baetzler.de/humor/cat_bathing.html
We have cats, a dog, horses, birds, and a rabbit.
I must say that your description of your relationship with your cat was hilarious, and oh so true.
Every morning my Siamese, Mel (big blue eyes) follows me around the house at 6 AM, waiting for me to get my shower, my coffee, and sit down, so that he can get in my lap until I get ready for work.
At times, he and his sister Jezzie chase each other, or our Sheltie Lacey around the house, or chase usually inanimate objects that they make come to life. Milk caps are a favorite.
Life with cats is fun.
Oh, quit telling me how great dogs are over cats.
When it comes to dogs and their personality, anybody who lick their crotch in public is a poor judge of human character.
(And then you kiss the dirty sons of bitches.)
Any human who wants affection that bad and that easily, won't get along with cats or women.
bob p.
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