Today's Comedy

I put some turnips, my eleven-year-old son's least-favorite vegetable, on his dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."
*****************************
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man, but there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him: his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short and apparently sensitive about the subject.

One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Everyone was speechless, except for one waitress who couldn't help herself as she blurted out,
"How could anyone stoop so low?"
******************************
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."


And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.
*************************************
Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."
************************************
The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?'"

*******************************
Sign in a store window:

"We would rather do business with 1,000 Al Qaeda Terrorists than one single American."

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. But we pride ourselves on being a society that holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it IS just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians have no sense of humor?)

****************************
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm.

The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.
But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell,' cannot stay on the church roof."
********************************
Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her on organ and him singing.
During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me."

Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn:
"Shackled by a heavy burden..."

***********************************
My great-grandson, age 5, spends a lot of time with us on our small farm. His big delight is finding the new "babies," whether they be birds or mammals. He also knows the rule, "New babies cannot be petted." He usually waits impatiently until the new babies have grown for a week or so and then he can pet them.

Recently our neighbors brought home their firstborn, a beautiful little boy. When I told my great-grandson they had a new baby, he immediately began to ask to go visit them.
The second day, very early in the morning, he began to ask to go visit again. I explained to him that it was too early to visit, and that the baby was probably still sleeping.
Hands on his hips and head cocked to one side, he informed me, "But Grandma! I don't want to pet him; I just want to look at him."