RAQQA, Syria — The reign of ISIS will soon be at an end, thanks to the latest overwhelming and decisive tactic employed by the US military: An airdrop of hundreds of laptops loaded with 130-slide PowerPoint presentations.
“They’re not even password-protected,” said Adm. Michael S. Rogers, commander of US Cyber Command. “We want them to get in. As every staff officer and senior staff non-commissioned officer knows, lengthy PowerPoint presentations can be fatal.”
According to a communications officer who did not want to speak on the record for fear of losing job security, the laptops were loaded with Windows 7 so the terrorists would first need to update the devices before accessing the presentations. Then they would need to contact a system administrator to enable the Flash plug-in, before resetting the password 72 times, once for each virgin.
Once ISIS hackers access the system and update to the latest version of PowerPoint, they will be subjected to a barrage of presentations with titles such as “Tobacco Cessation and the Healthy Soldier,” “Terrorism Awareness,” “Navy Uniforms Through the Ages” and “Alcohol Awareness, or Why Your CO Drinks So Heavily.”
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