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Friday, October 02, 2009

WARNING!!!!!!!!! ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Bunnings(Home Depot) recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee
(and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time..
The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an
invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving
his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my
nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd
make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the
true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and,
pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
and asked none too kindly not to return


Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Woolies.

I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

8 comments:

Moon Willow said...

Omg, that was funny!!!!!

Anonymous said...

pain...oh the laughing pain.

Anonymous said...

I never thought a story could top the Pink Tazer Birthday gift that a man bought for his wife but this one is the prize winner!
Cindy

Anonymous said...

the pink tazer was the best, I'd appreciate if Joe would stop posting stories about my husband and pretending this didn't happen on the shore by putting odd names to the stores.

Anonymous said...

the tears are blurring my vision!!! Not as bad as the tazer story but darn close!! Why is gas so damn funny?????

countrygirl@heart

Anonymous said...

And I thought no one new my husband had been in the store. LOL

Anonymous said...

I sent this to Joe the other day. I had tears coming down my face by the end. Im sure my neighbors thought I was nuts the way I was laughing. I giggled all day long when I thought about this. The reason it's so funny is we ALL can relate.

Tidewaterbound said...

That just reminds me SO much of the Toys 'R Us Christmas shopping debacle with my sister in 1980's...they STILL have her on a "NOT-WANTED" poster.

And THIS during the 'tear-the-hair-out-free-for-alls' over Cabbage Patch dolls. Did I mention it was like the parting of the Red Sea?

Screaming FIRE in a packed movie theater never had this effect.

For a 5' 90 pound woman, she's NOXIOUS. They could bottle her gas and kill thousands with it.

And all she has to say is 'uh-oh' because that silent but deadly emission had me running out of the store. Only cuz I KNOW her.

You should have seen the exodus, and that place was packed.

Mothers and grandmothers hell-bent to get their Christmas shopping in those last, critical days rarely ever fold in the face of adversity.

Betsy's farts can manage to do what even a calvacade of mortors cannot.

And all you have to listen for is..."uh oh!"