"I have thought long and hard about posting this as it is a difficult matter that I have dealt with over the past year but I feel it is more important to let people know the effect this has on the children as a result of trashing by the other parent.
Going through a separation and divorce is always a difficult and emotional time for everyone, especially children, so we need to know how to conduct ourselves for their overall mental health through these difficult times. It is so easy when we are angry to say things to the children portraying the other parent as a bad and evil person but you need to think before you speak because you are psychologically scaring your kids and you don’t even realize you’re doing it. You must understand a child’s brain is not done developing yet and their comprehension is not the same as ours no matter how smart they are. If you say mommy/daddy is a bad person they sometimes will think well I’m half mommy/daddy does that make me half bad, am I a bad person also?
The truth be told kids love both parents and need them both and don’t like to here them talked bad of. If you run the other parent down to the point that the personal relationship with the other parent is damaged with the kids it can cause terrible psychological damage to children extending well into adulthood. Now I understand you cannot control the other parent and you may find yourself on the receiving end of the trash talking ex but there is still help. I relied on a book by Dr. Richard A. Warshak called **“Divorce Poison:** Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex**”*. This book explains the damages caused by PAS and how to combat it.
You don’t have to sit on the sidelines watch as your kids are being brainwashed and you can combat it but it has to be done in an appropriate manner by all means. If you are going through a separation or a divorce this book is a must read. Please if you get one and only one thing out of this post is that your kids are the most important thing in the world and don’t hurt them by saying bad things about your ex.
Everyone needs to vent but don’t vent on the kids as they are not mature enough to understand everything that is going on and they have enough to deal with on their own. You may have a reason to be upset but the kids should never be your outlet of anger towards your ex no matter the circumstance.
Ted Hastings"
DelMarVa's Premier Source for News, Opinion, Analysis, and Human Interest Contact Publisher Joe Albero at alberobutzo@wmconnect.com or 410-430-5349
12 comments:
When my parents divorced it wasn't the best situation for my brother and I. The new man in Mom's life would talk to badly about Dad after we'd return from a visit that it eventually led to my brother to stop visiting Dad. He did this so the verbal abuse he'd receive would stop. The sad thing is how it has effected my Dad and brother's relationships now that he's a father himself. They live in different states, don't make calls or even send cards. My parents never spoke bad of one another in front of us, it was the other man who eventually led to being out step-father who did the damage to a young boy so many years ago.
My sister and I got rid of one of my fathers wives quickly when she started bashing our mother. It wasn't hard to see through her once they were married. Didn't take long to get rid of her either.
Ted you are ill informed. There is a difference in Parental Alienation Syndrome and Parental Alienation. Parental Alienation is what you are writing about. The syndrome is where there is actual abuse going on, but the abusive parent plays the system and the child ends up being placed with the abuser. Do you allow you children to see their mother?? Reading one book does not make you an expert.
I agree that you should always watch what is said in front of small children. The step parents should also be aware that conversations about adults should stay between adults and that bad mouthing the EX-true or not- is bad for the kids. If the EX is bad enough, the kids will see it for themselves. As far as hearing your mommy this or your daddy that, it goes in one ear and out the other, but sometimes along the way it affects the kids' own self esteem.
My mom and dad's divorce was ugly with both dishing it out on the other, to make things worse, the in-laws on one side piled on. It made us feel like we were bad children because we couldn't see all these "bad" things they kept pushing on us about our parents. Over the years, you learn everyone is an individual and no one is perfect, and anger fuels hate, resentment, and more anger. A book can explain this, but until you've witnessed it firsthand, it doesn't really make sense.
Anon 9:51 says "Ted you are ill informed." I wrote this because I had to deal with this first hand. What I am pointing out here is the potential consequences of trashing the other parent. I don't claim to be an expert but was just trying to point out a major issue that happens more often than not during a divorce with kids involved. If you think psychologically messing with a child isn't abuse then you are ill informed.
Ted don't attack me, I DO happen to be more informed on the subject than you are. I DID NOT say psychological abuse is OK. I was only pointing out to you the difference between Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome.
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?
This is the definition of PAS as described by R.A. Gardner who discovered the syndrome and has become an expert in dealing with the issue.
Gardner's definition of PAS is:
"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."
(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)
Basically, this means that through verbal and non verbal thoughts, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent infront of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.
Hey Ted anonymous" ill informed " has nothing to offer to your post just trying to find a technicality to make them self feel smart and failing miserably . Must be a liberal !
You are behind in the times. R.A. Gardner committed suicide and his theory was proved to be junk science. Do more research. PAS is touted to be an accepted psychological “syndrome” when, in fact, it has no scientific foundation and has been routinely rejected by courts and mental health professionals as admissible in the courtroom. Nonetheless, PAS is still being used by unscrupulous attorneys and hired gun “experts” to attack the credibility of, parents, usually mothers, and undermine the testimony of little children who have accused their fathers of unspeakable acts of abuse.
You've been divorced since 1996 and you still aren't over this??
PAS is not included in DSM IV (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th edition) which is the authoritative manual for the professions of psychiatry and psychology. There are some fathers’ rights groups who are mounting a letter writing campaign to have PAS included in DSM V which is ridiculous because the DSM is based on research, clinical tests, and professional judgment – not letters of opinion.
PAS cannot pass the challenges for acceptance as “scientific” or “expert” in courts of law. These challenges are called the “Daubert Challenges” named after a Supreme Court ruling on what constitutes scientific or expert testimony.
The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges has a position that PAS is not to be used in court.
"You've been divorced since 1996 and you still aren't over this??"
Sorry wrong Ted. I just got custody of my children in October and finishing out the divorce now. I hate to tell you but PAS played a big part in the custody battle. I was turned on to this by a psychologist while going to a co-parenting class that was ordered by the courts. I wrote this not to be picked apart by an anonymous self proclaimed expert. If you have a degree show me. This is something I feel strong about and wanted to share it. Sorry if you don't agree but this is real.
Ok Ted, or should I say Alec Baldwin, so you got yourself a scum bag attorney who turned you on to a scumbag psychologist. If you are keeping your children from their mother than you are the bad guy. Like I said do some real research.
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