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Thursday, August 04, 2016


PORTLAND, OR — Health experts have today warned that meth found on the streets of Portland has tested positive for gluten, a protein composite normally found in several types of grains, including wheat, spelt, rye, and barley.

Action on Gluten has been set up to help meth users avoid “hidden gluten”, and to get drug dealers to offer a much safer gluten free meth for the tweaker communities of Oregon.

The organization believes they can successfully eliminate gluten from meth completely within a year, ensuring a much cleaner form of crystal and a brighter future for children who love meth.

Action on Gluten spokesperson Simon Krueger explained, “Gluten is not only dangerous, but also highly addictive. When added to meth, an otherwise fairly safe drug, the consequences can be deadly.”

“While the majority of drug dealers are honest, hard working, and have compassion for their consumers, unfortunately a handful of dealers are ruining the party for everyone as they are sneaking the poisonous gluten into their product.”



Anonymous said...

I was expecting this to have come from The Onion. But it didn't.

lmclain said...

I thought it was a joke, too.
Drug dealers are honest?
Have "compassion" for their customers?
Drug dealers are in it for the tremendous cash flow.
Like politicians after they get your vote, dealers couldn't care less if you died tonight.
Was this program linked to the "Ways to stay safe when illegally entering the USA" campaign?
Looks like meth is being protected all the way from Juarez to Seattle.
By our own government.
Keep cheering.

Unknown said...

is this a joke

Unknown said...

Like many Oregonians, we are outdoor enthusiasts and focus quite a bit on new places to adventure in Oregon. We write a variety of articles, with everything from places to visit, current events, satirical news and more. If you happen to come across an article that seems a little over the top and probably too crazy to be true, it most likely is not! The point here is don’t take everything we write too serious, as we like to joke around. 🙂

Anonymous said...

Glad for the clarification. Was half expecting a mention of a scout badge for production, of having fund raisers selling it to keep from draining the planet in car washes, and recognition by SBA of it as a franchise opportunity with multi-level marketing similarities.


Anonymous said...

Darn it!
I want gluten-free speed.