Astute Observations

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. 

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here. 

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?” 

I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 

I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected. 

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning. 

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. 

Wouldn't you know it!  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. 

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?