Dear husband,
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and feel I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today, which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV shows. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything else that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Wife.
Don't try to find me. Your brother and I are moving to New Zealand together.
Have a great life!
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REPLY:
Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. The reason I watch TV so much is because it drowns out your constant whining and bitching. Unfortunately, that doesn't work any more.
I DID notice when you got a hair-do last week, but the 1st thing that came to my mind was 'You look just like a boy.' Since my father taught me not to say anything, 'if you can't say something nice, etc.,' I didn't comment....and when you cooked my "favorite meal," you must have confused me with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was only a coincidence that my brother had borrowed $300 from me just that morning.
After all this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So, when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris........ But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Rich As Hell and Free Ex-Husband.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born
Carla.
I hope this doesn't present a problem.
DelMarVa's Premier Source for News, Opinion, Analysis, and Human Interest Contact Publisher Joe Albero at alberobutzo@wmconnect.com or 410-430-5349
3 comments:
Oh too funny 😂
Good lawyer.
My wife and kids (kids are grown) still don't know I hit the lottery after our divorce was finalized. And she thinks she won! I bet she's wondering where I got all the money to buy new things, after I paid her off to stay out of my life after she left. Best money I ever spent was to get her out of my life. Don't worry men. When she leaves you, it will be the best thing that ever happened to you, no matter what it costs. You can always make more money. If a wife leaves you, you don't want her back. Then make sure she can't come back (divorce her, don't kill her!).
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