NEW PEW POLL

WASHINGTON DC— A new poll conducted by the Pew Research Center found that, when asked to provide their immediate reaction to the sound of the word “America,” 98 percent of respondents replied by describing the sight of a near-empty parking lot of a decrepit suburban strip mall on a late February afternoon. “We’ve found that in nearly all instances the image that comes to peoples’ minds within milliseconds of the word ‘America’ being said is a small strip mall in northern Virginia, southern Missouri, or possibly somewhere outside of Indianapolis, featuring a checks cashed place, a cell-phone store, and an L.A. Tan with three customers inside,” said lead researcher Graham Tierney, adding that the identical tableau visualized by the vast majority of test subjects also included weeds growing through cracks in the asphalt, a Mountain Dew Code Red can rolling on the ground, and a grey overcast sky. “The lone variable we found was whether or not respondents also imagined a car idling while playing ‘Heaven’ by Los Lonely Boys with the windows down. Those subjects who did not imagine this element instead heard either the distant sound of a baby crying or the plaintive bark of a faraway dog.” Graham added that every single test subject became visibly downcast and requested that researchers not say that word to them again.

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