MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
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MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into ma chine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
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FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2.... Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card..
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26.. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
7 comments:
Ok - what pig wrote this?
That was just plain mean!!!
lolol. Awesome, Joe. So true.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
15 minutes later, pay bill leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stands under caravan.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
Dump first liter of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Drink beer.
Discover that first liter of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
Begin swearing fit.
Throw stupid crescent wrench.
Beer.
Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
Beer.
Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
Beer.
Lower car from jack stands.
Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
Beer.
Test drive car.
Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Car is impounded.
Call loving wife, make bail.
12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right!
Sounds like women in the grocery check out line- always writing checks and taking forever to do it. There should be a "no check" line. Use your debit card, it's faster.
Luv it 4:52....right on!!! LOL
Couldn't be any truer for most females.
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