Not everyone deserves a trophy.
In fact, unearned rewards can be harmful, because artificially inflating a child’s self-esteem merely for participation in sport sends the wrong message, warns psychologist Jason Richardson.
“There are plenty of incarcerated felons with an inflated self-view and there are extremely successful people grappling with a more moderate self-concept, so self-esteem alone is not the measure by which we should prepare our children for greatness,” says Richardson, a Pan-Am Games gold medalist who is also known as “Dr. JRich” among colleagues.
Richardson isn’t alone. Last year, Pittsburgh Steelers outside linebacker James Harrison returned two participation trophies given to his two sons, awarded not for a specific victory that they’d earned, but simply for being student-athletes.
Anyone can give and get a trophy, but the true value of youth sports is in the occasional tough lessons – and successes – children experience through hard work and merit, says Richardson, author of “It’s All BS! We’re All Wrong, And You’re All Right!” (www.drjasonrichardson.com).
He offers practical tips parents can share with their kids.
• Stop saying “the problem is …” Fill in the blank. Too many people say the problem is with the coach, the school, the other kids, the equipment, the schedule – and so on. This kind of thinking implies failure because it immediately rules out your child’s goals. Instead, say things that rule in positive outcomes, such as, “I/We/You can do this!”
• Make failure a teachable moment. Sports can test a kid’s emotional fragility. They may want to give up with failure, but that’s a terrible lesson. If your child missed a free throw that would’ve won the team the game, encourage free-throw practice the next day. Better yet, ask them what they are going to do differently next time! Use a coach’s staple: remind your child that Michael Jordan was cut by his high school basketball team during his sophomore year. Parents can always reward persistence and effort.
• Don’t let your child’s ego run wild. The flipside of low self-esteem due to failure can be cockiness with success. Children have far less experience keeping the ego in check, so if he/she is the best athlete in school, they may become arrogant. Try to catch this early; people evolve at different rates. Temper their ego by showing examples of humility, respect and gratitude. Use examples of great athletes who have overcome slumps or adversity.
• Show them how to be a better student. It may seem odd that a star quarterback can memorize every detail of a complex playbook, but has trouble with class studies. If he’s having trouble with chemistry, for example, place the playbook next to the textbook and show him the parallels of complexity. Don’t let him believe he’s “just a jock.”
About Jason Richardson, Psy.D., MBA
Dr. Jason Richardson (www.drjasonrichardson.com) is a psychologist who earned his principles for self-improvement as a world-traveling athlete, doctoral student and student of life. He maintained top-10 status on the professional BMX circuit for most of his 15-year career, retiring with a gold medal at the 2007 Pan American Games.
4 comments:
Do you actually think that when some kids find out that all their ancestors story is mostly lies and all they invented was the PATENT OFFICE? They won't give a crap,my Daddy owns and I get a free ride and I still am a Dummy/American.
Give the little kids an award. At 3-5, they aren't thinking about their future as an athlete making millions. There is nothing better than a little kid showing off a trophy. Confidence in the little ones are awesome building blocks.
I agree with encouraging positive achievements and participation for beginners. As they get older the emphasis should be on building skills and learning the game, and budgeting time so schoolwork doesn't suffer. As parents, I think the best thing we can do is learn the rules, help our child succeed by making sure they get to practice, allow them to join rec leagues to improve their skills and don't undermine the coach and officials (with some exceptions, like abuse or complete incompetence; in which case maybe some of the critics could step up and coach/officiate). We also need to step back and let our children deal with any "in team" drama on their own. There will be disappointments because of playing time and interpersonal problems with team mates.
All parents should be required to participate, they are the biggest problem at youth sporting events.
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