Long-Awaited Baby Boomer Die-Off To Begin Soon, Experts Say
WASHINGTON, DC After decades of waiting, the much-anticipated mass Baby Boomer die-off should finally commence within the next five to ten years, Census Bureau officials said Monday.
“I am pleased to announce that it won’t be much longer now,” Census Bureau deputy director Arthur Clausewitz said at a press conference. “According to our statistics, by 2009, we should see the Baby Boomers start to die off in large numbers. Heart attacks, strokes, cancer, kidney failure—you name it, the Boomers are going to be dropping from it.”
Clausewitz said the Great Boomer Die-Off should hit full stride in approximately 2015, when the oldest members of the Baby Boom generation—born during the last days of World War II—turn 70.
“Before long, tens of millions of members of this irritating generation will achieve what such Boomer icons as Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Timothy Leary and John Kennedy already have: death. Before long, we will live in a glorious new world in which no one will ever again have to endure tales of Joan Baez’s performance at Woodstock.”
Despite his enthusiasm, Clausewitz cautioned that the Great Boomer Die-Off will not be without its downside.
“Our nation must steel itself for one vast, final orgy of Boomer self-obsession as we are hit with a bewildering onslaught of magazine pictorials, hardcover coffee-table books and multi-part, Motown-soundtracked television specials looking back on the glory days of the 1960s,” Clausewitz said. “But once this great, final spasm of nostalgia passes, the ravages of age will take its toll on boomer self-indulgence, and the curtain will at long last fall on what is regarded by many as the most odious generation America has ever produced.”
Clausewitz also noted that the cost of caring for the elderly and infirm of the nation’s largest demographic group will be enormous.