Ten Rules For A Happy Marriage:Understanding Women

Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage:Understanding Women

1. The woman always makes the rules
2. These rules are subject to change without notice
3. No man can possibly know all the rules
4. The woman is never wrong
5. If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6. The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7. The woman can change her mind at any time
8. The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9. The man must read the mind of the w oman at all times
10. At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.

The Secret of Marriage - Understanding Men

• Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling a garage is not an option. I will win.
• Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the ot her, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.
• Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
• Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." Fo r all I know, these are the same thing.
• Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
• Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
• Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
• Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
• Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest; like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

• Hilarious Advice On How To Look After Your Husband

  This advice was allegedly in a Home Economics textbook.

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  Have his dinner ready. Plan the night before to have a delicious meal ready for him on time. This will let him know that you've been thinking of him and concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the thought of a good meal is part of the warm welcome he needs.
  Make yourself look nice. Take a 15 minutes rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives home. Touch up your make-up and put a pink ribbon in your hair. Don't forget he has just been with a lot of work-weary people, so he will need you to look fresh. Be gay and interesting, as his boring day will need a lift.
  Clear away the clutter around the house. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives home and gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Run a duster over the tables. Then, when he arrives home, your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order. It will give you a lift too.
  Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces, comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
  Minimise all noise. As soon as he arrives home, turn off the washer, dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and look glad to see him.
  Don't greet h im with problems and don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. So make him comfortable. Have him lean back in his armchair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
  Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other pleasant entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Your goal is to try to make your home a place of peace a nd order where your husband can relax in body and spirit.