While I'm sure all of you can just imagine what I wanted to add to this title, I'll just leave that up to you in comments instead.
Let me see if I can recall deep into my memory bank to an old saying by Max Klinger on M*A*S*H*. "If I had a dog with your face I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards". That being said Jake, there's my answer.
As for the "First Family" crap, I really think you have some mental issues. WOW!