Eastern Shore Rules For Gracious Living

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people
in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler
to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the
sheets.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the
paper cup and pour 
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If
drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should
never be anything prepared by a 
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat
at the table, no matter how good his 
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be 
done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not
a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a
few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend 
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's
hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're
interested: "I've been wanting to 
go out with you since I read that stuff on
the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she
is expected back. Some will 
say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it 
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on
time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately 
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to
characters on the screen. Tests have proven 
they can't hear
you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom,
at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund 
and a clean bowling
shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to
socks and shoes for this special 
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your
headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is 
loaded and the deer is
in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires 
does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using
panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite 
to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber
while traveling in a funeral procession.