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Friday, November 11, 2011

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

WRITTEN BY A YOUNG COLLEGE STUDENT

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood 

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

--We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid the time has come to give this idea serious consideration.

Anonymous said...

We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

Well I hope you can afford that luxury.

You seem to forget that's what a lot of Americans wanted before the civil war. People like you didn't want separation then, but now here you come begging to be let out of the agreement you forced on others. And then have the audacity to infer it is our fault things didn't work out like you wanted.

I will gladly sign this paperwork. IF you promise to abide by this agreement, like so many others that you have broke over 100 years and counting.

Keep your gay marriages, your welfare cheats, your drug dealers, your slick and corrupt lawyers and politicians, your gun laws, your progressive education courses, your pollution, your cutthroat competition, all the illegals you can have too, all the unjust wars, be tolerant and accepting of the enemies who want to kill you, give up all the rights you want to to feel safe, and hug all the trees you want to your hearts content.

We will take care of our own, punish those swiftly who deserve it, not accept changes to our way of life just to accommodate yet another minority who didn't like where they were so they came here, we will provide safe passage to all the mexican drug lords and criminals to your doorstep and close the gate behind them, you take care of them.

Do not travel to this area, do not vacation here, do not invest here, do not inflict your taxes here, do not build your prisons here.

You stay there and we will stay here, which is what we wanted all along.

Happy trails to you and don't look back.