I want a divorce
By John J. Wall
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know, we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but, sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot, and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values... You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots, and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely, John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Barbra Streisand & Jane Fonda
DelMarVa's Premier Source for News, Opinion, Analysis, and Human Interest Contact Publisher Joe Albero at alberobutzo@wmconnect.com or 410-430-5349
Hey Johnny. Just worry about passing your Contract Law course and not having a fatal stroke when you see your student loan debt, and lack of job opportunity, upon graduation. Leave the comedy to the big boys.
ReplyDeleteReese were you that guy in the white suit at the Apollo?
ReplyDeleteOh, I cant do 20 again.
ReplyDeleteActually, I have worn a white suit or two to the Apollo-along with my "Now & Later" gators. My "pimp hand" is quite strong. I am also currently in negotiations to perform on-stage with Biz Markie next time he covers "Benny and the Jets."
ReplyDeleteIf I ever need a lawyer again your my man, at least I will be laughing on my way to the clinck.
ReplyDeleteLaw degrees are over-rated, and over-priced. The world needs another boring lawyer like Kirstie Alley needs another chocolate eclair. I currently function merely as a writer/stand-up philosopher/and cowbell player with Earth, Wind and Fire. My blood pressure stays lower that way.
ReplyDeleteLet's divide and destroy America! Great idea!
ReplyDeleteReese, email me.
ReplyDeletetwosentz@gmail.com
Great idea. Considering that the 'red' states use more tax dollars than they take in, and the 'blue' states generate more taxes than they consume, I say we let the 'red' states go, so we Liberals can save some money. Let's see the 'red' states take care of themselves for once. I mean, isn't that what they're always talking about, anyway?
ReplyDeleteTwo-Centz. If this involves paternity issues from after that gig in Wichita last year...it wasn't ME !! ;) {I'll slide you a line in a bit}.
ReplyDeleteIs this the start of a beautiful colaberation, dont you to start swappin spit in the shower.
ReplyDeleteHealth care is a luxury? Now there is messed up thinking.
ReplyDeleteHey, you guys know you would love an old-school tag team of "Nature Boy" Ric Flair {WOOOOO!! Brother!}and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. BTW...can we still also have Jane Fonda and that Subaru station wagon for the weekend?
ReplyDeleteAnon10:26
ReplyDeleteIs that why California has a $42 billion deficit, Mass, Md, and virtually all east and west coast states are running a deficit. States that vote democrat are bleeding money and some are even considering bakruptcy.
I'm with 2:06...please sign me up for this divorce. I was considering the Eastern Sho Militia but I'd rather think this crazy law student has the right idea
ReplyDelete2:06, every state is bleeding money right now. all of them. But, before this economic crisis (created by a Republican President who removed oversight and repealed the checks and balances on the banking industry), traditionally red states took more money from the fed than they paid and traditionally blue states paid more to the fed than they took.
ReplyDeleteAnon 2:38
ReplyDeleteCa and most east and west coast states have been spending more than they bring in for years. md would, but we have a balanced budget constitution, so Omalley just keeps adding fees and taxes. As for regulations on the banking industry, most of that can be traced to the fannie mae, freddie Mac fiasco where bush and mccain tried to get more regulation, but were thwarted by Barney Frank and Chris Dodd. Also banks like Bank of America wer threatened with sit ins by Acorn if they didnt make bad loans.
3:15, you won't let it rest, so here's the relevant data:
ReplyDeletehttp://scatter.wordpress.com/2009/02/16/red-state-blue-state-welfare-state-subsidizing-state/
Red states, on average, spend more federal dollars than they take in, and blue states, on average, bring in more federal dollars than they spend.
We've stuck together since the late 1950's, but the latest election process and your bailout stimulus plan has made me realize that I want a divorce.
ReplyDelete1950’s? I thought America was founded in 1776, almost two hundred years earlier, but go ahead…
Although we've tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, the sad truth is that the relationship between conservatives and liberals has run its course.
That’s because your mindset is stuck in the 1950’s (except in the rural south, where your people are stuck in the 1850’s).
Usconservatives don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them! They're all yours!
Really? Then why is it that over 80% of “red states” receive more federal aid each year than they pay in federal taxes (www.taxfoundation.org)? So glad you won’t be freeloading off of us any longer.
You are also welcome to take the liberal judges, the ACLU, the affirmative action crowd, the NAACP, and the National Organization of Women. We don't want any of them.
Thank you very much. Oh, what will we do with moderate judges like Anthony Kennedy or Sandra Day O'Connor? After all, judges like them have stabbed BOTH of us in the back.
We also don't want Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. You can have them.
Okay, you can take Tom DeLay, Newt Gingrich, Mitch McConnell,….oh, and George W., too!
Since you hate guns and war, we'll take the firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military, that you hate so much.
Wow….Santa Claus got my letter! Please be sure to take the cop-killer bullets and undetectable plastic handguns that Dick Cheney loves with you. We can equitably split up the military and the police, but you most certainly can have rogue cops like Mark Fuhrman, Joyce Gilchrist, and the thugs who beat a defenseless black man while he lay helplessly on the side of the road.
We'll take the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, McDonald's, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll take the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, and rednecks.
Am I Dreaming...?
We'll take Fox News. You can have NBC, CNN, MSNBC, CBS, ABC and Hollywood. You can also have National Public Television.
And you can continue to lag way behind us in education.
We'll retain the right to invade and hammer the crap out of any country that threatens us, but not YOU.
Does this mean we will no longer have to foot the bill for your ill-guided, “pre-emptive” wars?
We get the Hummers, SUVs, pickup trucks, motorhomes, oversized luxury cars, power boats, Harley Davidsons, and private airplanes. You can have all of the 4-cylinder and hybrid vehicles. You get the mopeds. You can also have all the kayaks and canoes.
Your new homeland better be in Iraq. You’ll need all the oil you can get. And, since all your lakes and rivers will be polluted you’ll have no need for kayaks or canoes, anyway.
We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
Fine. You can stay in the 19th century while the rest of us move forward into the 21st.
We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Good luck. Over 60% of you will be living in Hoovervilles.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
Like you ever had any.
We'll take the Bibles.
Please do. We hope you’ll take some time to actually read them and learn that Jesus’ values couldn't be farther from yours.
And by the way . . . since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag.
Your history is slavery, segregation, the degradation of women, and misrepresenting Christianity. You can have it.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
We accept! Considering your country will be engulfed in civil upheavel or destroyed by internal revolution long before then, it’s a safe bet for us to take.
Sincerely Yours,
A Proud, Patriotic, & Progressive, (& Thinking) American ….who reads the Bible, loves his family, and works his tail off to provide for them
Oh Please - Like any of you can do anything about any of it! Ride out the storm and shut up! Representation is bought and paid for not voted for.
ReplyDeleteGood post, SouthernProgressive. While I think this post was humorous, any conservative rant that involves demonizing liberals and invoking the Bible is completely undone by the fact that Jesus Christ was probably the biggest bleeding-heart liberal hippie in human history. "Conservative Christian" is an oxymoron.
ReplyDeletelove this. sign me up!
ReplyDeletealso, since when is a blog that also has articles talking about a fraternity social a relevant or reliable source of information regarding what the states spend/receive? you may disagree with Bush's spending methods, but the liberals brought our economy to shambles with no-doc loans... BRILLIANT idea by the way. Lets also not forget how Obama has DOUBLED the defecit Bush left in his first year. Good luck with bankruptcy!