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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I Have A Mastiff With A Problem--I Fear For My Life

I have a male Cane Corso/English Mastiff who we will call 'Petey' (this could damage his reputation). He will be 2 in March and, at 140 lbs, is still growing. He's the best dog in the world--friendly, energetic (yet will take naps with me, his sleep-deprived mom), and he loves his brother, a Chihuahua. He's never chewed on anything that I own (which is good, because I think he could fit my entire dresser in his mouth. Including the lamp.) But, we do have a serious problem.

Petey is...flatulent. To an extreme degree. Now, I know a lot of you out there are saying, 'Hey, my dog (husband/boyfriend) farts all the time, so what's the problem?' I don't know how to explain it, but the best way to describe Petey's gaseous expulsions is with this word: 'heavy'. Like a dense fog settling on the mountains, Petey's farts will settle in the lower 3' of the room--about the altitude I inhabit while asleep. Thus, I fear that he may kill me (accidentally, I hope) in my sleep. Let me explain how the routine (when you go through this about 100 times a day, you make a routine) works:

-I'm in bed, innocently typing on the computer when I hear it: 'FFFWWWWWPPPPPP'
-I look over at Petey, who was asleep next to my bed, and he is now fixated on his butt, with a look of confusion and wonder ('What was that!? Where did it go?').
-Petey looks up at me (no doubt wondering if I saw the little creature that he thinks ran out of his butt while he wasn't looking), and, after taking in my terrified gaze, thinks that he has done something HORRIFYING and he must move away from me before I yell at him.
-Petey jumps to his feet as I throw my comforter over my head to prevent my eyes from watering due to the noxious gas. In his attempt to slink out of the room unnoticed, he has shaken his intestines, which, in response, proceed to expel gas with his every step. In his mind, lots of little butt-dwelling critters are escaping, foiling his stealthy exit. I have yet to break it to him that he isn't stealthy at all, with or without the butt-dwelling critters.
-Hearing him exit the room, I crack the window behind my bed and shove my head out. 3 minutes later, I am in the clear. I shut the window and continue on with my work--shaken, but alive.

(At times I will get up to find him in another room, intently staring at his butt in hopes of catching one of those pesky critters.)

I live in fear. These are SO BAD that I actually wake up in the middle of the night. Please, does anyone have any sort of home remedy? I've changed his food, stopped giving him rawhide, tried to eliminate tasty treats that I know cause gas in humans (cheese, anyone?)--everything I can think of, but my life is still on the line! I am a student, so money is tight, please keep this in mind!
Thanks!

24 comments:

  1. ONE BEANO PILL A DAY WILL STOP THE FARTING!

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  2. This is so funny, I'm still laughing.

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  3. i dont care about a damn animal when the country is faced with destruction. serious stories only please.

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  4. LoL I have a 75 pound Black Lab that I bet would run Petey out of the room Hahaha

    Heck if my father had to go outside everytime he ripped one and had to listen to my Mom go on for an hour we would have had to put a TV out on the front porch.

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  5. Screw anon 9:16. We all need a laugh.

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  6. 9:16 Lighten up or your life will always be miserable

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  7. GAS X , Buy it Wal-mart.

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  8. LOL! In all seriousness, you need to take him to the vet. He could have some kind of blockage. When did you stop giving him rawhide? Do you give him "Greenies" or any other treat like that?

    I feed my dog Beneful and only have a RARE problem with gas.

    As for 916, lighten the hell up, or you'll have a stroke or something.

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  9. Verus holistic food- sold at Healing Hands Animal Hospital. One of their doctors there does acupunture and prescription Chinese herbs too. It helped by neighbor's dog.

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  10. 9;16 says im not gonna have a stroke, im have no anxiety problems, i do however think a story about a dog farting is really stupid. my life is not miserable, this is just stupid. i dont give a shit about no damn dog fartin.

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  11. I am so sorry for you...but that was probably one of the best written problems/stories! My sides hurt from laughing so hard, and I've had a few people come check on me to see what was so damn funny! I hope you find a solution!
    And 9:16 - get a clue! If not for the this part of life...we are all doomed! lol!!!! This is what keeps us all going in spite of is all!

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  12. well you can all come over to my home and ill bend over and fart in your faces then ill laugh, how bout that. that gonna get me threw all this, must warn you i had tacos last night.

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  13. Try Dionvite...we give that to our dog who has colitis and it really helped.

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  14. HEY 12:23! It's "through all of this" not "threw all this." Hoped you enjoyed those tacos! lol!!!!

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  15. i used to be a pitcher, i prefer threw.

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  16. Hey look, the dog can't type or talk. Who is to say that he isn't offended at YOU also cutting the cheese? There are two sides to every story. TPE.

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  17. Let me know when you have the correct answer to the farting dog. I plan to give it to my husband to calm his down some. Best laugh of the day. At least it took our minds off our problems for the moment.

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  18. Good point, anon 2:47. My brother used to blame all bad smells on the dog, even when the dog wasn't there.

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  19. As for 9:16, he continues to read and write under this topic......if he is so not interested...why does he continue to read and write??

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  20. 2:47~! STOP I'm cracking up so hard my ribs are hurting LoL

    Just remember when your best friend isn't around any longer you will miss that smell. ~¿O

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  21. I hope you know that a Cane Corso is an "Italian mastiff" not an english mastiff they are 2 totally different breeds.....

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  22. Fact is it is true! The overwhelming doom and gloom of election year/conspiracy crazies finally drove me over the edge a couple weeks ago. But boy, if you think this is funny; check out that article nearby on the space pen. Someone has actually probably earned a Ph.D regarding intergalactic pens on the comment log, but still doesn't get the joke of the overall piece. I can't write material that funny even if I tried. TPE.

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  23. It could very well be his dog food. Most commercial foods have too much filler (ie: soy, wheat,cereal) Go to my website and click on dog food, if you have any question contact me www.HealthyPeopleAndPets.com Cathy-Jo

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