Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
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Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say
something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
DelMarVa's Premier Source for News, Opinion, Analysis, and Human Interest Contact Publisher Joe Albero at alberobutzo@wmconnect.com or 410-430-5349
This is funny. Serves him right!
ReplyDeleteWOW!! Thanks Joe! After the week that I had, that was huge! That was the funniest thing that I have read in a long time!!
ReplyDeleteWell heck, here my husband and I are celebrating our 50th Anniversary this weekend and HE suffered through some of that!! (Soaps and not much cooking) BUT, you know what, we made it work! I am glad he didn't leave me or vise versa. Today couples just don't even try. There is no "purrfect" marriage. If so, I think one of them is lying!!! Now, I have told my husband that I am leaving him and looking for another one for the next 50.... NOT.
ReplyDeletemy wife of twenty years is my best frien, shes pretty much the only other human that i trust. she created our life togther, our kids,our home,our buisness,our present and our future. she is the best thing that ever happened to me. life is a pain in the ass after pain in the ass sometimes, with little moments of grace thrown in, the secret is to reconize these moments of grace so you learn there lessons and enjoy there benefits. my wife and my family taught me that.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations spice!! 50 years, what a lot of work that must have been. Good luck with the next 50!! I've got 18 more years to go to get there, got any pointers? cj
ReplyDeleteWas that ex husband Mike Dunn?
ReplyDelete