NEWS FROM THE YEAR 2059

Ozone created by electric
cars now killing millions in
the seventh largest Country
in the world, Mexifornia,
formerly known as
California.

White minorities still
trying to have English
recognized as the third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens
Northwestern United States
crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally!
Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to
reinstate heterosexual
marriage.

Iran still closed off;
physicists estimate it will
take at least 10 more years
before radioactivity
decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for
global help after being
taken over by Jamaica.
No other country comes
forward to help the
beleaguered nation!
 
Last Castro finally dies
at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported
legally, but President
Chelsea Clinton has
banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he
will run for President in
2060.

Postal Service raises
price of first class stamp
to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to
Wednesdays only.

Average weight of
Americans drops to
250 lbs.

85-year $75.8 billion study:
Diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.

Global cooling blamed
for citrus crop failure
for third consecutive
year in Mexifornia and
Floruba.

Japanese scientists have
created a camera with such
a fast shutter speed they
now can photograph a
woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now
available in every High
School in United States.

Senate still blocking
drilling in ANWR even
though gas is selling
for 4532 Pesos per liter
and gas stations are
only open on Tuesdays
and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes
last remaining
conservative.

Supreme Court rules any
punishment of criminals
violates their civil rights.

A Couple Finally Had
Sexual Harmony .
They had simultaneous
Headaches.

Average height of NBA
players is now nine feet
seven inches with only 5
illegitimate children.

New federal law requires
that all nail clippers,
screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up
newspapers must be
registered by January
2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate
at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still
having trouble with
voting machines.