O.J. Simpson Is Loose, Wants to Hit Bunny Ranch

Having evaded prison after committing two murders (although he owes over $33 million in a wrongful death suit) thanks to his fame and privileged pigmentation, and now having been paroled from a 33-year sentence for armed robbery, former NFL and Hollywood star O.J. Simpson will now devote himself to a clean and wholesome life. Just kidding:

Among the first items on O.J. Simpson’s to-do list upon re-entry to the free world last week was to find some “companionship” after nine years in prison, an insider said.

“He sent word … to the Bunny Ranch,” the insider said of Nevada’s famed legal house of prostitution.

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