Priceless Observations

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read description in catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

Secret of good sermon is to have good beginning and good ending; and to have two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get good wife, you'll become happy; if you get bad one, you'll become philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by judge. I should have asked for jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was 13, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers =2 0

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By time man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.