Salisbury Fire Department To Get Massive Federal Grant

A Salisbury News Exclusive
(Reposted by popular demand)

Salisbury News has learned that the President's Office of Economic Stimulus, in conjunction with the Office of Homeland Security and the Maryland Fire Safety Administration will soon formally announce an award to the Salisbury Fire Department of a grant in the amount of $3.6 million to be used for “augmentation of fire equipment necessary to perform its full and expanded duties.” These funds, should they be accepted by City Council vote and mayoral approval, are to be specifically and solely used, say the grant's administrators, to purchase a vehicle officially catalogued by government fire officials as an Air Suppression Craft, Rigid, Overhead Transport, Mark IV, Firefighting, though usually referred to by its acronym, ASCROTM-4F.

Hailed by SFD heads and some city leaders as a long awaited and much needed asset to extinguish threatening and difficult to control blazes, the craft will join other state-of-the-art equipment in Salisbury's multi-million dollar stables, ready for action if circumstances call for its unique uses. When asked what those circumstances might be, Interim Chief William Gordy explained, “For as long as I can remember, the area has been the site of dozens of potentially devastating marsh fires every year. These are hard to control from the ground because of their remote locations – our hoses just aren't long enough. And we usually don't have a very good turnout of volunteers because they (the fires) somehow usually happen on weekends in the summer and fall. Sometimes in the winter, too, usually right during deer season and the playoffs. All these problems can be overcome by having ASCROTM. It will also put us snug tight in the driver's seat in the whole region, making us the desired mutual assistance asset for the hundred-plus departments within a 100 mile radius. We'll be the ones wearing the pants on this one. Once we get it (the program) unzipped, we're going to be huge and long range. We expect to log in about a thousand hours a year in mutual aid calls, which is going to be a national, if not a world record for a department of our size. It's going to be really big. And the requirements will be stiff. Other departments will want us, but inside, they'll be secretly wishing they were us.”

Fitted with eighty four delivery jets on each side of its 320 foot length, each capable of delivering fire suppressant foam, powder, or water or any combination of the three at a rate exceeding most ground-based equipment, the rigid, lighter than air craft also boasts state-of-the-art communication equipment including WiFi, two 52 inch plasma displays connected to four real-time, downward-looking high resolution color cameras, infra-red cameras, DirecTV with NFL Ticket, PS3 and Wii, a fully functional galley, sleeping quarters and baths to accommodate sixteen, a small but gracious fire blimp museum, a small sundeck, Corinthian leather lounge and cockpit seating surfaces and hardwood floors throughout. Marble countertops were considered, but Gordy said that appliance-matching stainless steel was chosen for its savings in weight and easy care, meaning an extra nine hundred pounds of fire suppressant chemicals and better health department regulation compliance. Kevlar skin over a Nomex insulation layer over a magnesium alloy frame offer unparalleled strength and protection from the elements. Interior and exterior color schemes will be inspired by SFD's newly adopted red and black motif. Fitted firing ports will give those who sacrifice precious deer season hunting hours to their firefighting duties opportunities to bag one or more trophies from the air, with near-effortless pickup of quarry by designated ground support vehicles. Optional full-length JumboTron-like HD screens at both sides of the craft are said to be under consideration as useful public fire safety education devices.

Helium serves as the government-advised gas of choice to lift the craft from its elevated moorings and keep it aloft, but some local fire officials say that helium might not be the best choice. In fact, hydrogen is thought to be the more ideal choice by SFD heads because of its end cost and ease of access. SFD Assistant Chief Rick Hoppes is currently filing an application for a federal government grant to purchase a ground-based, stand-alone high-tech hydrogen generator, which removes hydrogen from plain water, a plentiful commodity here. Said Hoppes, “Yes, once we get this generator, the gas we pump into our ASCROTM will not only be almost painless to the public's pockets, it will save tons of room where the helium tanks would have been stored. And then there's the oxygen that's left over from the process. We were thinking of just letting it escape to the air, but then someone thought we could use it instead of our current compressed air cascade generator system, as concentrated oxygen will last a whole lot longer in a firefighter's tank than plain compressed air, if I'm not mistaken. Lots more room saved there, too, with more of those bulky tanks gone. I have to give credit where credit's due on this one and point to Councilman Gary Comegys, who, as we all know, is not only an accomplished engineer, but a man who is deeply committed to saving the taxpayers' hard earned money and the environment. Thanks go to you, Gary. I'm happy to report that we have determined that the savings will be so great that we're considering making all of our fire equipment hydrogen powered, including the firehouse itself. We'll be scheduling some fact finding trips soon.”

While several SFD members are licensed to fly small private aircraft, none is currently rated to pilot a lighter than air craft. Chief Gordy said, “This is not a problem. By the time our ASCROTM is delivered, we'll have all the qualified people we need inside it to move it around.” Excited prospects to captain the ship can currently be found in the SFD lounge at all hours of the day and night, where on the big plasma screen, Microsoft Flight Simulator has at least temporarily replaced VS, Spike TV and reruns of “The Sopranos.”

Response to the grant announcement by non-SFD City officials, which obviously came as a surprise to some, was mixed:

Mayor James Ireton stated, “You just never know what those people over there are going to do next. I know I don't.”

Council Vice President Gary Comegys, a retired SFD (with pay) volunteer himself, said, “I think this is a important addition to the fire department's equipment. It keeps all of us safe and it'll keep others safe in our region. Some will say that we don't need ASCROTM. I say we do. And with the grant paying for every penny of the whole thing, ASCROTM is a bargain we can't afford to pass up."

Council President Louise Smith went on record by saying, “At this time we have an opportunity here at this time. If it was offered and we could have gotten hold of ASCROTM when I was a young woman in 1886, Salisbury would be a much different place to live and work and play today.”

District One Councilwoman Shanie Shields said, “If we don't get it, somebody else will, and then it's our loss. You know you got to get this stuff while you can. They're not giving it away forever. And we thank Obama for it and all of the other free stimulation money he's been giving us. We each of us knows it's all going to get better.”

Councilwoman Deborah Campbell seemed neither composed nor well-informed by her council peers when she said (from Salisbury News recorded transcript,) “What?! A blimp??!! Where did you hear this? Are they nuts??!! How can we afford a blimp? What do we even need a blimp for?? Do those people know what this will cost? Just off the top of my head, at least $150,000 a year in routine maintenance. A lot more if they dent the fenders, and you know they will the first week and then they'll have to ship it to the factory for repairs. And just where is the factory? Do you know? Vancouver? Washington State. (pause) (audible sigh) Typical. What?! Vancouver, Canada??! (long pause) Just incredible. And $100,000 for insurance, $250,000 for flight school and maintenance training every year. And where are they going to park it? Of course, wherever that is, they're going to want a 300 foot tower with an elevator, and a terminal building at the bottom, and the land to put it on. What's that going to cost, another two million, three million? And who's going to sell the land to the city? Like we don't see that one coming. And then there's going to be maintenance on the building and grounds and tower, too, and several full-time employees to man them, and they'll have to be blimp qualified, too, and.... and.... and......(long pause)
No.

No, no, no and no.

Absolutely not.

Excuse me, please. I have to make some phone calls.”

Councilwoman Terry Cohen seemed similarly surprised: “You're kidding, right? A blimp? Wait... you're not kidding? Holy ****. Excuse me, I have to make some phone calls.”

An official announcement is expected to come soon at a Salisbury Fire Department Headquarters press conference and tour of the ASCROTM-4F itself, which will be on display through the end of November at a site as yet to be made public. Until then, ASCROTM is scheduled to be hovering some 200 feet above Salisbury City Park on successive Sunday evenings, where its port and starboard 90 by 160 foot integrated high definition video screens will present several popular motion pictures, among them Gigi, Roadhouse, The Sound of Music and Tootsie, all perennial Salisbury favorites. A midnight screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show is, awaiting Salisbury Police Department approval, tentatively scheduled for Halloween night. Light refreshments will be served at all showings, courtesy of Gordy TigerMarts and the Salisbury Volunteer Auxiliary.

Salisbury News will keep readers up to date with further developments as they unfold.