The Not Raising Hogs Business

TO: Senators Snow & Collins, Washington, D.C.

FROM: A Maine Resident

Dear Senators,

Thank you for crossing party lines and voting for the handout package. My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Maine, received a check for $10,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been really raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $1,422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $10,000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured I will vote Democratic in the comming election.

Patriotically Yours,

A soon to be Gentleman Maine Farmer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?