Big News From Pittsburgh

Steelers Help Stimulate NFL

March 26, 2009. Pittsburgh, PA. The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only NFL team to win six NFL world championships, will soon be giving up half of those trophies—but not without some controversy. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Goodell and President Barack Obama, a plan was conceived to help struggling and less fortunate NFL teams by redistributing NFL Super Bowl victories to others around the league.

"We live in one of the greatest sporting nations on earth, a great nation filled with long-standing traditions and values. A country in its great wisdom and passion drew lines on the battle fields of magnificent coliseums to help reunite and invigorate the spirit of competitiveness. And to always remember the struggles of those who have fought so hard to gain the respect and admiration of the people," said Obama. "We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times."

Obama's plan calls for the Steelers, who are at the height of their NFL reign, to give half of their Super Bowl victories to teams that have not been as successful. "The Detroit Lions are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers. Through my NFL stimulus plan they too will be entitled to what every NFL team deserves, a Super Bowl trophy they can claim as their own."

Obama and the democratic led House and Senate are expected to pass his plan overwhelmingly later this week. Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele and republican opponents have strongly denounced the NFL stimulus plan as too overreaching and thus rewarding NFL teams who do not deserve championships. Even across the nation with the NFL pre-season on the loom, non-sport fanatics and untalented footballers alike have begun voicing their concerns. “I’ve spent my whole life sucking at football. Where’s my trophy?” one man exclaimed.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, careful hiring of coaches, excellent community service and commitment to their fans, have prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have six Super Bowl championships as a result. But President Obama's plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL's less successful teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, "In these arduous times we are each required to share part of the burden and work together for the greater good. We must reclaim the NFL championship dream for every team, for every city and for every fan."

"My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league," Obama assures. Or more precisely, this plan will only affect those teams who have been overly successful in the past. According to analysts it will not affect 97% of NFL teams, but will charge the remaining 3% to contribute where the most help is needed. "The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can't seem to win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title." Obama promises. "We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make sacrifices. It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather that they are a member of this great American league."

The first transfer of titles will see the Super Bowl XLIII trophy redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this championship will help ease their pain and give them hope once again. The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler's division rivals, the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler's two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope and change in the face of difficulty and uncertainty.

This will be a heavy burden for the Steelers, but most commentators agree that too many Super Bowl victories can be detrimental to a team’s psyche. “Just think if the championship Steelers have too many trophies? Where’s the motivation? Where’s the desire to win more?” one person close to the organization but wishes to remain anonymous has said.

But all hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans. President Obama has another plan in place. He has met with MLB and Commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan to have the New York Yankees redistribute two of their World Series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates as a supplement to losing 16 straight seasons and counting. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the American Dream.