1. Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. “Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.
2. If you can’t walk walk because your leg is in a cast, sit your a$$ down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them d*mn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my d*mn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their a**es!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a d*mn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy a** home next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing d*mn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call the Dept. Of Social Services on your ignorant a**!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your a** home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE H*LL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy a** family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS
DelMarVa's Premier Source for News, Opinion, Analysis, and Human Interest Contact Publisher Joe Albero at alberobutzo@wmconnect.com or 410-430-5349
I love it , Sort of reminds me alot of my own . Especially the ones who bring nothing, but want to carry a boat load of food home ! I spend all day cooking and get left with empty bowls and a turkey carcass !!
ReplyDeleteAMEN!! I am so sick of people coming empty-handed and then leave with my good tupperware and I never see it again. This year will be different....they will get the cheap paper plates for their "to-go's" and if the plate collapses, oh well, you shouldn't have filled it so damned full! I have an even better idea...I am only cooking enough for just my husband and I...to hell with everyone else!
ReplyDeleteJoe,
ReplyDeleteI loved the bit about banishing kids to the basement. We would fight with our cousins, learn new things from them and make lifelong friends and memories. Upstairs the "old folks" would select somebody to come down and yell and threaten us every 15 minutes.
NOW the basement is where we put our kids and I get to do the yelling. Makes me smile :)
you really captured the spirit of the occasion. Don't invite me to your house. If you come to my house, we'll pray as long as someone has a request, if you need tupperware, silverware or even napkins...take them, bring the kids and they are to stay in the group. Usually they have more wisdom to speak than the adults. I will ask that everyone eat until it's gone. And no...I don't need help cleaning up. You stay and watch some football and relax!
ReplyDeleteMaybe the person who wrote this post needs some lessons in graciousness and how to be human!
Joe,
ReplyDeleteNo matter how many times you ask me, Im not showing up this Thanksgiving...lol....
Wayne you are to funny. Some might not get it. What a great sense of humor you have. You might be surprised, Joe might just have Jennifer set a place for you at the table this year. LOL
ReplyDeleteJoe being that you didnt say anything about the Turkey leg being yours set me a plate. I will bring a pan of oyster dressing and it is the best on the shore. I will also kick in a pot of greens. I have a bottle of homemade apple wine that is kickin. If Spike Lee is coming over I mean grandad he has to lose the glassed at dinner.
ReplyDeleteWhen i cook i always beg people to make a plate to take home because i don't want all the leftovers. Thanksgiving and Christmas is about being with family and the ones you care about. Why be separated at the table. I know this is a joke but you would be surprised at the ones that really believe this. Its really sad. I thank God for my family and friends. Its always a joy to have them even if i am cooking all day, it is worth it. Nothing is anymore important then family and friends. Enjoy them while you can.
ReplyDelete